I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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