my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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