Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
