You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
