Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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