about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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