My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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