Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
