Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
