I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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