im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
did you just send me my own nude
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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