I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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