Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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