I showed him my bush... on skype.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
