I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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