she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
