i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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