I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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