So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Randomize
