I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
