remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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