My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize