The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
