i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
