I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize