just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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