It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
