It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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