I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
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