i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
