I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
