Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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