Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
