hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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