Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
