I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
