I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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