Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just blew my weed a kiss
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
