how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
