Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
