Your face is a jimmy john
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize