I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
