Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
