at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
