so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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