Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
