I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize