life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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