The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
