Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
