textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
