The best revenge is premature balding
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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