Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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