I'm jealous of your bromance
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Randomize
