Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
