I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
