He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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