So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
