At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
