I heard we made out
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
