I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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