I'm gonna have a badass scar
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
even my farts smell like vagina
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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