if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
