Apparently you make a good broom.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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