Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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