Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
