you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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