How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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