dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
