Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
