the condom got lost in my hair
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
