Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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