Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize