either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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