I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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